The Love Series Season 2 (Day 11)
Yesterday, we started on a question that was raised – a gentleman saying ‘I love my bae and we are sexually active, we know it is wrong, what do we do about it?’
I recommended my wife’s preaching at church, yesterday, “Love vs Lust”. I want to believe you got the audio recording. If you have not, please try and get it. Today, I will be adding to a a couple of things she said, personalising it to you.
If you are in a relationship that is already sexually active i.e. you are already involved with one another sexually and you know you should not be doing this, which you really shouldn’t, and you want to deal with it, how do you it?
The first thing I want to ask is: Do you share the same values i.e does your girl/lady/woman believe in sexual purity like you do? If the two of you are not agreed on the value of sexual purity, it cannot work. It would amount to pressure on one side. One side wants it while another side doesn’t. There would be a lot of conflict of interest, a lot of pressure on the side of the person that doesn’t want it. So the first question to ask is, do you share the same values as regards sexual purity, as regards keeping sex until marriage and setting boundaries with physical intimacy?
If you don’t, you are treading on very delicate ice. I will recommend that you sit and talk about it. Your values have to be aligned.
Secondly, standing on the assumption that you share the same values, I want to suggest that you please set boundaries for yourselves. In physical contact, set boundaries – ‘We will not go beyond this. We will not touch these parts of our bodies! We will not be engaged in this kind of physical intimacy again!’ And if you have not even been there, peradventure you are listening to this and you are just about to start a love relationship with the opposite sex, before you start it, please set boundaries – ‘We are permitted to do this, we are permitted to do that but we are not crossing this line!’
You also need to set boundaries on time – ‘We will not be with each other after this time’. Give yourselves a personal curfew. When you marry, you are with one another 24/7 if you want to be. It is just for a time or for a season. Give each other boundaries with time. At times, sexual purity is not just about physical contact. Now on phone, all sorts of things happen on social media. If you have discovered that a couple of things begin to happen with you both when you’re online late at night, tell yourselves ‘We will not chat or be on a phone call beyond this time!’ So for time, you also need to set boundaries!
You need to set boundaries on Space! You need to tell yourselves ‘We will not be behind closed doors or be in a place where it is just both of us or a dark place with just the two of us!’ So about the space or the environment that you are in, you need to also set no-go-areas!
Thirdly, I recommend that you find someone or a couple that you will be accountable to, people that you can report yourselves to such that if you fall again or make a mistake, one or both of you can report to, ‘We are sorry we did this. We need to report ourselves’….etc. You need that.
Finally, (there are so many things I could say but for the constraint of the podcast…you can reach me personally for more points), I want to recommend that you talk more.
It has been said and proven that the less you talk, the more you are inclined to touch one another. If you’re involved in active conversations, knowing one another, talking about your visions, plans, purpose, career, how to make the world a better place, future goals and aspirations, it is not likely you will have your mind on touching. Even if you do, talking distracts your mind from the sexual part, distracts you from staring at your bodies or wanting your hands to move.
I have discovered in my years of counseling people that the moment touch begins, the moment physical intimacy starts, it usually grows and you will discover you don’t talk much again. Almost every time you see the person, after a few minutes, you just find out that you are back to making out.
There’s really no connection any more, communication goes down because you just want to begin to touch. It is almost always about the touch. Every time he calls, it is almost always about ‘where can we meet so we can hang out’ so he can touch you. The conversations you used to have, going out, having fun, meeting other friends, just enjoying your own company, etc begin to go down when the touch and physical intimacy parts come in.
So I want to remind you to keep touch totally out of it. Set your boundaries so that you don’t kill the relationship. I know a couple of relationships that have died practically because they allowed sexual intimacy come in when it shouldn’t have.
Yes I know it could be difficult especially when it has happened already but that is why I talked about accountability, making sure you share the same values and setting boundaries.
Subsequently, when you are going on dates or doing something special, please do it in public. Don’t be in places you would tempt yourselves. Remember to talk more, just keep talking, the more you talk the less you would want to touch.
You could get in touch with me if you need more details. I love you guys and I wish your relationship all the very best!
Keep living and Keep loving!!!