The Love Series Season 2 (Day 8)
Question: I am afraid I won’t be able to love my spouse in the nearest future because I suffered abuse while growing up. I didn’t experience love in the family I grew up in. What can I do?
Firstly I want to apologise. I am very sorry that you went through that. No one should ever grow up in a home that there is no love. No should ever suffer abuse whether it is physical, verbal or sexual. No one should ever have to go through that, so I’m really sorry that you went through it in the earlier years of your life. But now, it is time to profer solutions because you need to have a healthy love life.
The first thing I need you to know is that you will have to heal before you can love. You cannot afford to take the baggage, the pain and the load of what you have gone through into a love relationship, so you have to heal emotionally before you can love. Otherwise, if you don’t do that and you enter into a relationship, it is going to be very unhealthy.
It is either you will be too Clingy i.e. you will grab the person (‘I will never let you go’) and such a relationship is usually strained or you will be very detached (in your mind you say ‘I won’t put my all into this just in case…..’) which ruins the relationship also. So it’s either you get too clingy or very detached, whichever one doesn’t work so you really need to heal.
How do you heal?
I recommend that you find a counselor to walk this healing process with you. You could reach me if you want to or find someone around that you can trust and confide in. Find a counselor, somebody who is much older than you preferably, who has been where you are and/or knows how to help you through it. I will be speaking a few words here but the few words I’m going to say cannot take you a lifetime. They would be good seeds but you need someone to water, prune and help you with the growing process, so please find a counselor to walk this road with you.
That said, you need to forgive those who hurt you! You cannot afford to take unforgiveness into a love relationship, it could ruin it. You need to forgive those who hurt you. When you have unforgiveness, you are the one who is hurting. The person who hurt you might have moved on or might not even remember what he/she did. So I want to ask that you please forgive whoever it is that abused you or made growing up for you unpleasant or that made it very hard for you. Please find it in your heart to forgive.
You might need to say it out loud to yourself ‘I forgive (mention the name) for what he did, for what she did’. You need to let go of that past. Please forgive!
Afterwards, I recommend that you read books on love, observe couples that you see that are doing it right. You need to replace (I’m talking about the Replace Therapy) what you have seen, known and experienced love to be, with the new, replace with good thoughts and replace with good experiences.
So read more, observe more and get to see the other side of love, see the interesting and beautiful side of love as against the one you grew up with.
Next, please talk to God about it! God is love (1John 4). There is no one that can help you with love like God can. Please ask God to flood you with His love. We cannot give what we don’t have. Ask God, ‘God, flood me with Your love. Give me a revelation of how much You love me and how special I am to You’. God takes delight in proving to us He loves us so He would definitely answer that prayer. So ask Him to flood you with love so the workings of the Holy Spirit in your heart can begin to bring about the change.
Afterwards, you need to start consciously loving yourself! I talked about this on Day 1 (Love Starts With You). If you don’t have that recording, please try and get it. I talked about loving yourself on Day 1. So after talking with a counselor, forgiving those who hurt you and receiving God’s love, you need to start loving yourself. When you love yourself, you empower yourself to be able to love others.
Then, start loving people generally! Many people just want to direct their love life to the opposite sex or to that person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. No, it doesn’t work that way! Love people generally, the young and the old (I talked about this on Day 2 – Love is not Selective). Take your time to love people generally. Exercise your love muscle. Like a muscle in your body, the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Exercise your love muscle by just loving people at random. Loving people everywhere that you meet them begins to make you a love being.
You begin to notice that the anger is going, the hurt is going, the disappointment is going. The joy and expression of gratitude you see on the faces of those you have loved begin to heal you and make you a different person. So, start loving people generally. By the time you begin to do this, you would notice that somewhere in your heart, you begin to get ready for the person you will eventually meet and spend the rest of your life with.
By the time you begin to receive the love of God and you start loving others, gradually you will begin to see that you are not the person you once were. You are not the angry, bitter, depressed, self-centered person you were because of what you went through. You are now open and alive again to love!
For further counseling, please reach me by sending a DM to me on Instagram @timiadigun. For past podcasts, please check my Telegram channel @timiadigun. For counseling on WhatsApp, please reach me in 07034721385.
I believe in you. I trust God to heal you of this hurt and to give you the strength to rise above it and have a beautiful love life that people will look at and admire. When you tell them you were once hurt, they would not believe you and they would be amazed at how well you rose above it. I believe you have what it takes and you will do it.
I love you. God bless you. Keep Living, Keep Loving